Genuine
If you don’t believe it, the person (or people) to whom you are apologising won’t either.
We often witness people clashing while playing team sports, followed by the referee forcing the opposing players to apologise to one another. Continued participation may be conditional upon an apology offered. This is captured beautifully in the instruction “say sorry.” The players usually comply and say the magic word, because they want to keep playing. But it’s not genuine.
Language easily betrays counterfeit apologies. The UK Home Secretary was recently called out on her “I’m sorry if people feel” non-apology, related to inadequate supplies of personal protective equipment for frontline health workers.
Unconditional
Often, apologies are offered as a means to achieving forgiveness and reconciliation. While these are laudable outcomes, the apology must not be a) conditional on achieving them, or b) retracted if they are not achieved.
Apologies have inherent worth, even when they don’t realise the outcome(s) you hoped for.
Swift
A swift apology has the clear advantage of seeking resolution sooner, paving the way for good relations in future.
Delay can indicate deliberation about the value or necessity of apologising, or suggest that the person offering the apology has been coerced. While delayed apologies may still be genuine and worthwhile, swift apologies are preferable – so long as they are genuine.
Concise
While it is helpful for the person offering an apology to clearly articulate the reason why they are apologising, overly wordy apologies are to be avoided. Being concise helps to prevent the apology turning into a cooked up speech, and quickly opens up the space for a response.
Offered in-person
This allows for reciprocal non-verbal communication, and facilitates an exchange after the apology has been delivered. One-way, written apologies may be necessary in some circumstances, but are best avoided.
There’s value in the vulnerability shown by someone apologising in-person.
I have a confession to make. The reflections above started out as an exercise geared towards improving my own approach to apologising. I’m somewhat prone to being blunt, and can sometimes come across as remote or unfeeling. I have had myriad reasons to apologise in the past, and am under no illusions about my future need to offer genuine, unconditional, swift, concise apologies, in-person.
I hope that these reflections will also help you to make good apologies, and perhaps to consider why some apologies you have offered or received didn’t go over so well.